Possibly not the best start to a first posting on a New blog.. (Hey ho!)
This may come of no surprise to some of you out their,
It May however upset some people, this if not my intention just my personal feelings and thoughts.
Let me explain a few things, OK allot of things that I feel why I have been cheated...
I'm 28 and killing myself to become healthy and learn how to eat better, When my grandfather died from Renal Failure (kidney failure to the common) I thought "What's the point? He was healthy and died anyhow." And i went to down and became very destructive in my eating and, Particularly, my drinking. But when my Mother almost died couple years ago due to her Hypertension and Renal Failure kicking in ( along with everything else that is associated with the condition ) It was horrifying, and it occurred to me: It could of been avoided somewhat.
I feel like I've never really lived because I've always been so out of shape,. fat and unhealthy (putting aside the fact I always have inherited the same condition as both my mother and grandfather) And, Yeah. I blame my upbringing.
I blamed them all because they didn't force me to be active in my youth, I blamed them because i never learned to eat healthy at home, I Blamed them because the example they set is the example i came to live by.
Eventually I had to take responsibility for myself, but I don't doubt for a minute that my upbringing didn't factor hugely in who I've become today.
Me, So many bags of lard heavier than i was a couple years back(which with my health problems I do know now that its not entirely my own fault as to why it came back on Operations, Long living festering medical condition harping away doesn't help), Now focused back onto my weight-loss journey, I find myself becoming very, very opinionated about all the god for
saken studies coming out that say, " oh, being fat is genetic." It enrages me. Why? Because I'm telling you, from fucking experience, that being fat is a choice. (excluding people that do have medical conditions of-course)
We learn to "accept" ourselves because we can't face the hardship and the struggle that comes from being 100% honest with ourselves about every calorie we eat and every calorie we burn. It's Bullshit. Loving yourself does NOT have to equal copping out. It's possible to say " I'm a fantastic person, but it's important that I take some weight off so I can enjoy life I truly deserve to live, the freedom I've always wanted to experience."
Weightloss isn't willpower, It's maths. If you do it correctly, with 100% accountability and unfailing honesty with yourself, You can do it.
If you lie to yourself, think "oh, 2 teaspoons of butter is the same as 1 teaspoon!", or fudge things for the sake of it, You WONT Achieve anything. It's not Negotiable! It's Science. The numbers are what they are. No it isn't Easy but then it wouldn't be a lifestyle change if it was easy now would it?!
It is the hardest accomplishment you will likely ever achieve, but the point is, it is not some unicorn-like fantasy object. It can be done. Knowledge and effort are all you really need.
I think Weight Watchers, and any of those organizations are a good start, but if you do not learn food values and how to count calories and be accountable, Then its logic that your going to truly struggle!
I feel cheated that I was never that Young girl that got to play with her family, Never had that rolling around on the ground on a summers day nothing like that. When you take the ability to "do" things out of a relationship, all you're left with is talk. My mother and I have never had that close bound to be that 100% open (from her side) she simply agrees and nods in the right place where required. I feel like i been robbed of a life with her. I feel like I've been ripped off, like she cheated me.
She hasn't been a happy person, her insecurities have always shown, We could never enjoy meals out or go to the cinema or anything like that, because of her insecurities. Relationship? What relationship? I don't even know what it's like to go on a walk with my mother.
And the legacy passed onto me? of what, A tendency to eat without accountability? A life of insecurity, inadequacy, illness and shame? Because that's honestly all my Mother and I ever shared. We have both felt out of place in our worlds, burdensome. We felt we had nothing to give others.
Her almost Death couple years back and my realization that i was getting dangerously close to going the same way is what spurred me to finally take action.
There is no gift that would make me cry harder, Feel more pride, swell more with love, or shout from the roof tops louder than if my Mother could find a way to embrace a healthy lifestyle, If i could have five, maybe 10 years with her actually TRYING, to enjoy that thing called "living", It'd erase all the anger I've felt all these years.
I'm hoping and praying that after what i have gone through this year, My many trips to the Hospital/GP she will finally "get" why am i so determined this time around to sort it all out. And why I would love her to take control herself and see further than the end of her nose, and finally understand that I'm not being a "bitch" for the sake of being, I need to stay strong and focused and i will not let anybody hold me back.
